Las Loghas

I am here deep in thought about my thesis topic, while of course comiendome un pedaso de pan with peanut butter and jelly, and I am overwhelmed with insecurity.  How will I an obese Chicana be able to inspire, empower, and explore issues in regards to my topic; that I too, deal with on a daily basis.  Con las lonhas en cada lado I feel I need to find my inner strength to push through because of the importance of my topic in my community.  Pues I am here gordita, but not silent. 

Mi Promesa

In my new chapter in life I would like to hold my self committed to my thoughts, actions, and desires.  I will blog an entry a week.  This will hold me accountable to myself and my work.  This space has allowed me to expresses myself in an organic way without judgment.  Pues aqui estoy en San Francisco for graduate school.  This city is full of opportunities and through my commitment to blog I will share with you my fears, dreams, accomplishments, adventures and failures. Ahi te dejo.  

Los vemos pronto :) 

Tonantzin

My thoughts wonder into a realm that accepts my every inner desire.  When I am, in this space I know La madre is there with me to guide me through this place that has no limits and dose not judge.  When I exist in this time and space I am free of any type of ridicule.  I often question my presence and how I will use the privilege I have to empower myself and others.  I  am entering this new phase one that is strong, and I feel a sense of comfort here.  I am often unstable and afraid, I need to remove the negative energy that does not allow me to fly.  With Tonantzin on my left arm I know my heart will be enabled to center me in all of the directions of the earth.  Now I am ready to be me, for no one else other than my inner desires that celebrate my mind body and soul.     

Obama in office y yo ...?

I experienced racism, sexism, Sitting in the local starbux the day after the November 4 presidential election, with my mom discussing our experiences as women of color and how are realities are intersected with many things.  I am discussing with her my process of applying to graduates school, just when a white male sitting across from us ask, “what are you studying at UCLA,” I respond, ethnic studies, Chicana and Chicano studies, his face deforms and responds, “what are you gonna do with that,” again I answer “I am going to become a professor,” he then quickly replies “No you’re not young lady because there is only one culture, The American Culture and other ethnicities and ethnic studies does not exist. I defend my position and pupose by stating  “Well that is your personal belief I believe in the different histories, communities and experience of different groups of people.” He then aggressively stated, “No it is all American because in the Constitution,” I then become emotional and reactionary as I reply, “the constitution drafted by all white men does not reflect me or my personal beliefs and I am choosing to end this conversation with you.”  My mom and me get up and walk away.  My mom ask, “mija do you face people like this often. I said “yes.”  I know this man has no control over me, my future, or my beliefs but I also know many other “Americans” share his view and this is what motivates me to engage in discourse and pursue a graduate degree in ethnic studies where I can continue raising consciousness and creating space and recover voices that represent the multiple subjectives of people of color and all marginalized oppressed peoples who have been left out of discourse.   

yes I can

Today started with a hope and ended with a new vision.  I too can over come and prevail all the challenges, falls, bumps, and obstacles because my vision embodies a voice that through history and within society has been silenced and ignored.  Although everyday is hard, I know the end will come and the decision I make next spring will be the one that will allow me to further grow and develop.  SO I Can, and I will.

body me AND grad apps.

So as i continue this applying to grad school, i become more aware of myself and all the things i wish to improve.  The anxiety of this process has caused me to lose 5 lbs Monday through Friday and gain 10 lbs on the weekends, which results in an overall weight gain.  My body the reality of me and my writing. My thought are everywhere right now, its hard to be clear and make sense.  This past Thursday i spent half a day working on one paragraph for my statement of purpose, which may i remind you still requires editing.  I have no idea where i will end up next fall but this process is slowing depleting my self esteem, which results in the perpetual misuse of my body, over eating.  let me end on a bright note my commitment fro next week is to live in the moment.  Virgen mia give me strength. 

Grad School Apps

So applying to grad school.   yup time does fly and i am its victim caught in the midst of the wind.  I feel very overwhelmed and intellectually stifled by what i am embarking on.  I spend hours riving one sentence in my writing sample, due to my thoughts of incompetence.  I want to spend the rest of my life writing yet I have this double fear.  I am scared of writing due to the witnesses and I am more scared of not writing due to the lost ideas.  I am caught between two roads and yet I so desperately want to be on one.  I want to push forth with the next step but need to add more words to this page.  Still working on the many components of the infamous Ph.D. Application you know the writing sample, statement of purpose, CV, letters of recommendation and the money of course.  I need sanity but I also need acceptance.  Oh Virgen mia keep my calm.